Aug 18, 2016 11:43 AM

Why #LochteGate Is the Diversion America Deserves

If you had hoped the Olympics would distract you from the garbage fire of the 2016 Election, you've been disappointed. But the absurd #lochtegate might do the trick.

U.S. Swimmers Detained At Rio Airport In Robbery Inquiry

Look, we're a nation on edge. We need diversion. Some had hoped the 2016 Rio Olympics would provide that, but then NBC made it nearly impossible to watch the only event anyone cares about—shotput (kidding, obviously we're talking about gymnastics, jeez, we're patriots after all)—and so for the past two weeks, the election has continued to dominate our precious mental space. We need a break. We're unravelling. As a nation, lately even our memes have been depressing (hello, Harambe, anyone?). This, to misquote another popular meme, is not fine.

And then Ryan Lochte's mother told the world that her son and his pals said they got robbed at gunpoint in Rio. And we were all like, "Aww man, nothing good ever happens! No one is safe! Even our Olympic swimmers are at risk! I might as well keep sitting all day and eating saturated fats and retweet Donald Trump because lol nothing matters."

But then, the Brazilian authorities started looking more closely at Lochte's crew and his claims. Lochte himself flew back to America, but two of his fellow swimmers only got as far as an airplane before the Brazilian authorities took them in for questioning. And we were all, "Whoa, where's the popcorn? Things are getting cray."

And, lo, we were distracted. We’re a nation who thrives on spectacle and nothing could compete with Trump until Lochte and his hair and his mama-lying, a soap opera whodunnit IRL.

#LochteGate was born and for one brief night, America forgot about politics and wildfires and heat waves. We forgot that sitting is killing us. Instead, we proudly sat at our computers, united in one goal: to puzzle out the Great Mystery of the Robbed Swimmers. Had Lochte lied? But why? To cover up something? But what? To the Twitters! We've compiled the best and worst and weirdest Twitter theories here for your amusement.